Because Love Matters

I tend to have a weekend rituals of studying while brunching. It is one my treats to myself while at the same time an attempt to make progress and get some work done. I have a favorite spot in town where I go, the Bakehouse. In all honesty I go here because they have free wireless and bottomless cups of coffee, but the staff also knows me by name, which is an added perk.  Yet, this weekend my studious sanctuary turned into more than I could have ever bargained.

In life I am one of those people who always sees the glass half full, but this weekend I started to doubt this belief and wondered if I had become cold and frosty. As I was infiltrating my brain full of  knowledge about leukemias and lymphomas, I couldn't help but notice the world around me. To my right was a young couple sitting across from each other ka-noodling over eggs and hash browns. I couldn't help but watch as the man with his elbow on the table held his palm in the air and instantly his girlfriend placed her hand in his. They just sat and looked at each other hands intertwined as if they were talking through their eyes in complete silence. Quiet honestly, I was looking around the restaurant to see if anyone else was witnessing this scene. I don't know why it struck me so, but what I do know is that I felt something very real and it was love.

Now don't get me wrong I might be one of the last supporters of the old romance; the kind that sweeps you off your feet and intoxicates you until you are so inebriated that you can't tell which way is up or down. Yet, sometimes I wonder if this kind of love exists, and if it will ever find me. Still perplexed by my right-sided visual, I glanced over to my left for a breath of fresh air to see a handsome blond headed man. He had these gorgeous eyes, the color of sky blue.  I kept looking over between my multiplying white cells and cancer markers, to observe this most debonair man.  To my surprise he started a conversation with me. His voice is deep with the rich accent of European descent. It was then that he explained to me that he was from Germany working for two months in Bloomington while living with his girlfriend.  He then told me that he met his girlfriend while she was studying abroad in Germany. The two met and he said they instantly fell in love. Normally, I would have rolled my eyes or maybe even laughed at how sappy and icky romantic this was. Perhaps it was the accent or maybe it was the tone in his voice, but his story just made my heart melt. It wasn't until his girlfriend arrived that I realized that love truly exists. If two people half-way across the world can find love..... anything is possible. 

As I got up to leave, I left asking myself "Is this for real?" It was at that point I realized how the powers of love and  a little oxytocin can cause people to do things they could have never imagined. Love forces us to mature, to think of others more than ourselves, and places us in a place  of vulnerability. My best example of this was a conversation I had this weekend with a guy in my class. He is pretty much the closest thing to innocent and harmless as you can get. Yet he has one love, his forest -green Camaro. He talks about cars like I talk about shoes, thus you can understand the extent of his love. Yet, what he began to tell me about knocked me off my chair. With his big grin he announced to me, "Jen, I am selling my Camaro for a Subaru." It was at that moment I realized that my newly engaged friend was trading his bachelor car for his baby-go-getter. I literally had a moment.  Is love really so powerful that it can change the things we once coveted so dearly?

If anything this past week I learned that love matters. I feel that when times are hard and the world looks dismal love can often color it with a bright new palette. While at times I have seen love as suffocating and binding, I do believe that love holds the possibility of taming the wildest of hearts. Thus my hope for you this week is to give love a chance, in your work, your home, on the streets, and in your cars. Because love is not just an emotion displayed between two people but is also evident in the things we do. And trust me .....because love matters.

Identity Theft?

So the most unfortunate event occurred to me three months ago at the BMV. With my quarter of a century celebration also came the responsibility of renewing my license. First off, I am the least photogenic person you could ever imagine. I am always the girl with the stink eye or looking in the wrong direction so I was not super jazzed about the photo on the brink. All morning I got ready and perfected my look, I even spent a good twenty minutes working on my smile so that I could get it just right. When I arrived at the BMV I knew things were on a downward spiral when the rude and hirsute woman said, they were implementing new policy; no glasses, no hats, no headscarves, and no smiling. In horror, I sat and waited learning that all of this was to protect me from identity theft. As I was called up to the picture, I will never forget the way the man sighed in disgust as he told me my hair was way to big. I wanted to ask the guy what he wanted me to do about it? But instead he blew my face up the size of a basketball and cropped out all my hair so I look like the fat girl with leukemia. I mean really is he protecting my identity or just creating a new identity for me?

This caused me to have all these questions about identity swirling in my head. Who am I really?Is it merely just the distance between my facial features that define me? I think not. As I walked out of the BMV mortified by my new license, I began to look deeply into the many ways we define ourselves. Some believe their identity is made up by the DNA that populates their cells. Yet, many find identity in the family they grew up in, the color of their skin, or their family origin, while others are defined by profession, possessions, and hobbies. Life has a shocking way sometimes of just showing you who is boss. This year I learned some of the most life altering and shocking information I could have ever imagined. It changed the way that I look at identity forever. Identity is so much more than the DNA that created our inner being. Yes, as a future physician it would be hypocritical for me not to believe that genetics plays a role in development and disease. But, I definitely believe that we are creatures of our environment, shaped and molded by the people around us. Where did you get your smile? your personality? Your passion? For me I learned at the age of 25 that one of my parents is not my biological parents. Shocking, yes, but in no way did it change the way I feel about both of them. If anything I stand in awe at the depth of their love. The fact that I was brought up in a house where I had two parents that loved me and supported me, I feel truly blessed. A product of in vitro, I have thus been stripped in some way of the identity I once had. There are so many unknowns and variables I have been left to ponder.

Yet, I ask myself does it even matter? I have convinced myself that it does not. If anything it is another life experience to chalk up. I have learned over the last couple of years the most important parts of my identity are things that others will never be able to take away. I am a daughter, a friend, compassionate, driven, and vivacious. I want to be defined for the person I am not the profession I will lead, the car I will drive, or the shoes I might wear. Our identity is ever changing constantly evolving to better describe the person we are today. So perhaps one day I will be a wife, a mother, or a Bostonian, but for now I am just Jen a single white female, blue eyes, brown hair, organ donor, any other questions?

My blogging Sabbatical

While I have been on a blogging sabbatical for the last 5 weeks it has only left me with many things to ponder and ideas to share. I have been so rapped up in school, marathoning, and persistent pain that I have lost touch with the things that bring me such cathartic release. I am astonished at how easily we are distracted and absorbed by the hectic lives we lead...However, I am back oh faithful readers....and ready to blog baby blog.....

Val Pals?

I am dedicating this post to the quickly approaching holiday of Valentine's Day. Regardless of whether you are single, married, or dating I believe this is a holiday that should be celebrated by all. While we all may celebrate it in different ways, my hope of this post is to share with both men and women alike some tips to truly making this love struck holiday a success.

To all my male friends I just want to share with you some pearls of wisdom. You see while I can only speak for myself, I am a woman and I do have some advice for you on the things NOT to do on Valentine's Day. I know you are going to think I am crazy but do not be lured by the media and V-day multiple aisles full of Valentine's paraphernalia. You believe that because everyone gets flowers and chocolate for there girlfriend you should too. NO, If Jim Jones told you to drink the Kool-Aid would you? Let me tell you what I would think of if a guy got me flowers. Oh, this is a symbol of his love for me beautiful now but in a week they will be dead. Is he trying to tell me something? Quite possibly the worst gift I could ever receive would be chocolate. While most women are conscious about their weight, I would feel guilty about not eating a piece and then I would hate you tomorrow for making me feel fat. So in honesty I would steer clear from these over popularized gifts. I would encourage you to be creative and inventive, we love feeling special.

What women really want is a man who can think. I am telling you it is one of the sexiest and most alluring traits a man could possess. For example, on my escapades to Florence, Italy I went to see the David. While everyone else is taking in this masterpiece and the perfection of his naked body all I could look at was the pondering look on his face as he looked over his shoulder. All I wanted to know is what Michelangelo had in mind when he put him in that position, What was he supposed to be thinking about? Regardless, a woman likes a well thought out plan. In my life currently I tend to make all the reservations, set the time, and decide when and where everything is going down. To actually have someone take care of all this planning would delight me in every way.

Thus men, I encourage you to think about what your gal-pal really likes. Does she like to dress up or is she casual? Does she like Italian or bistro style? Once you have thought about this you call and make the reservations and plan the entire evening. If you were thinking about creating your own masterpiece at home with a candlelight dinner for two, that's beautiful and go with it. Yet, part of the fun of having a lad on your arm is being able to show him off to others. It's is not like you are a pair of new shoes or something, but women we are a weird breed.If we were are honest we would tell you that we constantly compare ourselves to others, and thus it is our nature to want to show you off as our sidekick. If we are going on a date with you, we are proud to have you with us and want others to see you too.

Yet, even more important to your success is in the presentation. While I believe you should be a gentleman all the time, Valentine's Day etiquette is of utmost importance. This would include opening the car doors, pulling out the seat, and ordering for your date. While I have had some awful experiences in my life, one of them was with the date who ordered my entire meal for me without asking what I liked. Not only did this tonk me off, but he also was disappointed when he learned I didn't like meat and would not be eating the rather expensive entree.

While Valentine's Day may just be another day to you, in the eyes of a woman it is an important day. We primp and prepare for hours only to look gorgeous and beautiful. Thus, you too should compliment her on her hard work by saying things like you are gorgeous, you look amazing, ect. Now guys this is important. We have just spent hours preparing ourselves for this night so we want to stay looking just like we do when we leave the house. I once was invited to a dance by an older guy in high school. I remember how excited I was as I spent hours getting ready and working on my hair. If you don't know me, I have some voluminously big hair so taming the mane can be tricky. I can still see my father's face from the window as my date and I pulled away in his yellow mustang convertible. He was laughing hysterically because all of the sweat and tears I had put into my perfect hair-do was now a massive beehive blowing in the wind. While I understand it is February, we have been having some unexpectedly nice weather; enough to coax Hoosiers to ride around in their convertibles. If this is the case please be mindful of your date.

Yet how I couldn't forget all my single ladies. I want to encourage you to get out there and embrace your singledom. My most memorable Valentine's days have been spent with a bottle of wine and great friends. Valentine's day is a holiday to honor love; whether it is people, places, or things. Yet, I always tell my friends who are forlorn and glum about not being attached during this holiday the real story of Valentine's Day. It is about St. Valentino who after being refused by his mistress was so distraught he plunged a dagger in his heart and then sent it to his mistress still beating as a symbol of his undying passion and love. I then try to reassure them that we do not need these types of unstable men in our lives. Single ladies everywhere should be making reservations to some of the best venues in town. I encourage you to pamper yourself and splurge. If dinner isn't really your thing then hit the movies, but I beg you please please don't stay at home. While I haven't decided which Bloomington venue I will be gracing I can tell you I will be there in style with a beverage in my hand. I believe an evening full of laughter and friends is some of the best time spent.

Thus as an ode to Valentine's day I encourage you to be spontaneous and creative and grab your Val- Pals and have a "Dang" good time!

The abc's that define me

I love to think of my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Wilson, she is this fabulous woman who is about 5 feet tall with a jolly build, a beaming smile, a sweater to match ever season, and quite possible might be a saint for the patience she bestows on her students. She not only has been enriching young minds for over 35 years, but better yet is still teaching at the same school I attended 20 years ago. She even has had the challenge of teaching the entire Pasko entourage Jill, Julie, and me. Yet, even as I embark on my 21 year of schooling, I believe Mrs. Wilson taught me some of the best life lessons I could have ever learned, "When all else fails go back to the basics." Thus, here I am again at the basics, the abc's. Yet, her great wisdom traverses farther than understanding the alphabet, abstract concepts, or even math, but it resonates in my daily life. I believe her plan all along was to prep us for the future, the busy work weeks, the unexpected spins, and to remind us that when all else fails you are never to old to go back to the basics. Thus, in an attempt to remind myself of the things that I love and that define me I have compiled a list of the abc's of me. I do have to apologize ahead of time because some letters deserve more attention, just think of it as a triple word score in scrabble.

A-
Airports- Not going to lie, the sheer volume of excitement and joy that is contained in one building makes me want to fly those friendly skies more often.

Anatomy- my favorite class so far in medical school. The body is this intricate masterpiece which is orchestrated together to produce a complex and beautifully synced creation. LOVE IT!

Anthropology- quite possibly one of my favorite stores on earth. Earthy,Eclectic, and stylishly unique.

B-

Brunch- need i say more
Boston- one of the most youthful, navigable, and delightfully historic cities. It has Jen-esque written all over it
Blogging- my cathartic outlet in my oh so studious life
Biggest Loser- No shame, my favorite TV show where I watch people lose entire people in 12 wks..hello inspiration

Coffee- Fact or fiction I drink 8 cups of coffee a day? Fact.

Dinners- I would have to say long-euro style dinners are one of the most perfect gifts on this earth. To relax with friends, laugh, and partake in a great wine over hours takes me to this place of effervescence and delight

Doctors- I actually am going to be one of them, but don't really like them at all

Elderly- I find so much beauty in a life fully lived. I love their lack of inhibition and wisdom. I love me some old people!

Fage- Ok so I am obsessed, I eat this every day with 2 splenda, cinnamon, and blueberries....

Fall- Quite possibly the most wonderful time of the year! I love the smell of decomposing leaves.

Farmer's Markets- my joy on Saturday morning from April -Dec is unobtainable as I see some of the most beautiful displays of fruits and vegetables.

Gorgeous- My favorite adjective on earth. There is something about the way that it rolls of my tongue.

Gardens-I wish i had one and didn't kill every plant i own.

Health- I love random health facts and ridiculous info about calories and nutrition

Intellect- is one of the sexiest and enduring traits i find in people

Independent- I might be one of the most independent people in the world...I honestly can't imagine what it is like to be dependent on another

Joy- Something I think we all should emanate wherever we go...Life is way to short to suppress this.

Kindness- is the universal language of love. Embrace it

Laughter- ok so I giggle like a third grader at recess. I laugh a lot, I mean a lot
La Croix- the most perfect zero calorie sparkling beverage out there

Maine- Lush, gorgeous, and beautiful memories
Marathons- my extracurricular activity....training for my 5th one in April

Newspapers- the rustic feel of the paper is enough to make you a believer. Plus love crosswords

Oatmeal- my soul food....My favorite dessert

Public Transportation- I hate cars! I can't wait to be able to use public transportation or walk to work everyday

Pendleton- my homeland

Quite possible the best friends ever! i have some truly gorgeous and wonderful friends who are beautiful inside and out....so great!

Rex and Cath- the wonderful parents of mine who constantly reveal to me what true love is. Also the most polar and hilarious couple you might ever meet

Style- I love fashion. It is a form of self-expression. It is ever changing a little like myself.

Travel- I love to travel here, there, and everywhere. I find it one of the most liberating experiences one can have.

Thanksgiving- my favorite holiday there is nothing like a Pasko-Butler family get together

Umbrellas- I hate rain so the only thing that make it better are my psychedelic rain boots and Mary Poppin's umbrella

Very lofty goals- Pet peeves of life-dreams don't stop when you go to college .....I have so many I want to write a book, own a coffee shop, own a mint green 1957 chevy truck with a big steering wheel ect, ect...

Wine- Water and wine the essential beverages. I love Red wine ......dry, earthy, and bold nothing better

X-citing adventures- I am kind of like Dora the Explorer....I am looking for side kicks!

Yoga- Finding my inner chi

Zest- Spice it up! Zest for life is what makes it worth living.

I happen to run into Mrs. Wilson at the Pendleton Public Library over Christmas break, we stood outside in the cold chatting it up about school, life, and other random minute. Mrs. Wilson, is just recently the proud owner of a new kidney, she had a transplant almost a year ago. She asked me multiple questions about school and how things were going. I told her I am doing what I always have wanted to do but described the struggles and frustration of 2nd year. She grabbed my arm in all seriousness, the kind of forceful grab you get in kindergarten when you have thrown a recess toy or picked your nose, and she looked me in the eye and said, " Wherever you go and whatever you do there will be someone out there who is better or smarter, but don't you ever let anyone love more deeply or be more compassionate than you. Its who you are." Even 20 years later Mrs. Wilson is driving home the basics. She is right, it is so easy to drift away from core of who we are in order to fulfill an instituted role in society. I had let the competitive nature and constant lure for success in medical school blind me. All I really need to do is go back to the basics kindness, love, and zest for life and remember that these are the things that should be motivating me daily.

In this next week I encourage you to stop and revisit the basics of who you are. Remember the defining characteristics that make you unique. Because in the busy hectic lives we lead it is so easy to get caught up in the moment and the task at hand. Yet, I believe we are never to old for a refresher course on the basics.........because once you have those down, everything else just seems to fall into place.

Elderly Enchantment

"I love me some old people." One of my defining characteristics, is my enchantment with the elderly. I find them as such an eclectic and diverse group of people who all have a story to tell. Perhaps that is why we get along so well, I delight in a great story. Nothing but experience and prudence can come from age, and time has allowed my aging friends to collect a comprehensive collection of strories and aphorisms to live by. I admire evertything from their newly found inhibitions on life, to their new soft food cuisine. In a country where age is nothing short of an infectious disease as people run, hide, and try escape the inevitable, I find that aging with eloquence and grace is one of the most beautiful displays of true beauty one can see with the naked eye. Thus, my hope today is to reveal to you the depth and wisdom found in a life truly lived.

As a medical student you are required to take patient histories, and to my delight most of our patients are of the aging community. While the entire purpose of this process, is to acquire the reason for their visit I cannot help but let my mind wander. The first thing I think about is what was this person was like 40 yrs ago? What did he look like? What has he accomplished? Inevitably I must shift my wandering mind back to the matter at hand, but I continue to yearn for his stories, good or bad. After each patient history I walk away with a new concept of disease and a new snippet of someone's life, which I store away in a safe place only to revisit later as a reminder of what a life truly lived would resemble. One of my greatest goals in life is to experience, embrace, and be engulfed by the world around me. I see the elderly as ambassadors to my soul guiding me and directing me to hot spots or to places I must go, see, or feel.

People often describe the elderly to one of my other loves of life.. wine. I find this a perfect analogy because I believe, like that goblet of goodness, everyone gets better with age. Just like my favorite Cabernet, the elderly have become full-bodied, bold, with hints of spice or oak, and leave flavors of rich tannins on your tongue that remain for hours. While the scrutiny of growing old can cause some to break a sweat, I find progression in life alluring. The aging population has no more time to sugar coat the world, they tell you how it is. They spend their days as mall walkers, dining at every restaurant in town, playing bingo, and enjoying the simplicity of life. The worries of their youth have past. They know first hand that the physical beauty of their youth is nothing but a fleeting memory, and that calorie counting was only a sorry excuse for keeping their math skills up to par. Yet, I still can't seem to wonder what they see when they look in the mirror. Do they see themselves as 25? Or do they recognized the withering face from their youth that reverberates back from the mirror?

I feel that in this society we have a propensity to glorify youth. Even though we have barely gotten our training wheels, we (those 20 somethings) have been trained to believe that youth is the ride of your life. However in all honesty, I tend to believe that I am no more than a wandering nomad most of the time searching aimlessly for guidance in every area of my life from profession, love, and purpose. Will I regret the choices I have made and the path that I have chosen to follow? All questions that those oh so wise aging friends of mine, would scoff and laugh at now. They realize that the questions and unknowns of life have left the sweetest memories and stories to tell.

Thus this week tap into your elderly outlet and create and live your own stories. Wear crazy hats and ridiculous outfits. Perhaps enjoy a lap around the mall or a great game of bingo. Or just cozy up in your comfy chair with a glass of cab, allow the flavor to seep into your tongue and imagine what kind of spice you will have to bring in your old age.


Afterthought:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

Identity Theft

So the most unfortunate event occurred to me three months ago at the BMV. With my quarter of a century celebration also came the responsibility of renewing my license. First off, I am the least photogenic person you could ever imagine. I am always the girl with the stink eye or looking in the wrong direction so I was not super jazzed about the photo on the brink. All morning I got ready and perfected my look, I even spent a good twenty minutes working on my smile so that I could get it just right. When I arrived at the BMV I knew things were on a downward spiral when the rude and hirsute woman said, they were implementing new policy; no glasses, no hats, no headscarves, and no smiling. In horror, I sat and waited learning that all of this was to protect me from identity theft. As I was called up to the picture, I will never forget the way the man sighed in disgust as he told me my hair was way to big. I wanted to ask the guy what he wanted me to do about it? But instead he blew my face up the size of a basketball and cropped out all my hair so I look like the fat girl with leukemia. I mean really is he protecting my identity or just creating a new identity for me?

This caused me to have all these questions about identity swirling in my head. Who am I really?Is it merely just the distance between my facial features that define me? I think not. As I walked out of the BMV mortified by my new license, I began to look deeply into the many ways we define ourselves. Some believe their identity is made up by the DNA that populates their cells. Yet, many find identity in the family they grew up in, the color of their skin, or their family origin, while others are defined by profession, possessions, and hobbies.

Life has a shocking way sometimes of just showing you who is boss. This year I learned some of the most life altering and shocking information I could have ever imagined. It changed the way that I look at identity forever. Identity is so much more than the DNA that created our inner being. Yes, as a future physician it would be hypocritical for me not to believe that genetics plays a role in development and disease. But, I definitely believe that we are creatures of our environment, shaped and molded by the people around us. Where did you get your smile? your personality? Your passion? For me I learned at the age of 25 that one of my parents is not my biological parents. Shocking, yes, but in no way did it change the way I feel about both of them. If anything I stand in awe at the depth of their love. The fact that I was brought up in a house where I had two parents that loved me and supported me, I feel truly blessed. A product of in vitro, I have thus been stripped in some way of the identity I once had. There are so many unknowns and variables I have been left to ponder.

Yet, I ask myself does it even matter? I have convinced myself that it does not. If anything it is another life experience to chalk up. I have learned over the last couple of years the most important parts of my identity are things that others will never be able to take away. I am a daughter, a friend, compassionate, driven, and vivacious. I want to be defined for the person I am not the profession I will lead, the car I will drive, or the shoes I might wear. Our identity is ever changing constantly evolving to better describe the person we are today. So perhaps one day I will be a wife, a mother, or a Bostonian, but for now I am just Jen a single white female, blue eyes, brown hair, organ donor, any other questions?





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