Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Smooch. SWAK. Beso. Tongue. Peck. Neck. French. Make-out. Smack. 1st Base. Whatever you want to call it, everyone loves a great kiss. I will be the first to tell you I love kissing. To be quite frank, I have no problem admitting I am a kissing floozy. I came to this conclusion after reading a magazine article explaining that the average person has 28 first kisses in their lifetime. And of course intrigued, I began to count. Surprisingly I realized that I was quite the overachiever. Now many you might find this dirty, and I am so sorry, but I think it is somewhat beautiful. I would go as far as to say that most women can name the best kiss they have ever had or seen in a movie without hesitation. We like kissing because it can say so much about a person without saying a word. Not to mention kissing is like the best facial workout anyone could ever get. You burn 26 calories per minute to be exact (don't ask why I know that). Better yet, it releases endorphins, so it's kind of like working out twice in one day. While I am sure many are much more versed on the subject, I have found in my experiences that most people fall into 1-9 categories of kisses. It is my goal to elaborate on these nine categories, and to shed some entertaining commentary about these categories. (As a disclaimer all of these kisses are based on real life experiences at one point or another in my short life.)

#1 The Peck

Now this is was absolutely adorable when I was 12, but in my adult life when you are on a date with a guy and he gives you a peck it means one of two things. He is totally not into you or he is asexual. I mean maybe he is trying to follow some set of invisible rules, much like the 3 day rule for calling girls back after a date, but this is so 7th grade. It does however become more endearing when you have been dating someone for a while and you are in public ect. and he lays a big smooch on ya. Now that is tasteful and the proper use of the peck.

#2 The Forehead Kiss

So I will never forget the guy who decided it was a brilliant idea that our first kiss should be shared on my forehead. I was utterly so confused and frustrated that I had no words for him. I felt like my father had just kissed me goodnight before he tucked me into bed. Now I do feel that this too can be a very sweet gesture when you have known a person longer than 1 1/2 weeks. It should come with a disclaimer: Use Wisely.

#3 The Conservative

As a raging liberal, you can already guess this kiss did not go over well with me. I am sure some people love it, but I find it rigid, predictable, and unchanging... appropriately named. So the only way I can describe kissing a conservative, is imagine getting your tongue stuck in a pop can. You really want to move it but it is stuck in that one position. This my friends is the conservative, the same approach, no spontaneity, and a stiff tongue.

#4 The Slobber Master

So I love dogs, I really do. But there is something different about getting slobbery kisses from Fido and the guy you date. Sometimes I wonder "what the heck is he aiming for I mean literally my mouth is right here." Yet, somehow he has ingested my make-up and moisturizer with one swift kiss. Maybe it's because I have issues with messes, but saliva should stay in your mouth where it was meant to be.

#5 The Jack Rabbit

Quite possibly the kiss I detest more than anyone could ever imagine. I literally just sit there and wait for the traumatic injury to be over. I don't know who ever told guys that this was attractive, but I feel like I am being attacked by a reptile. It is the rapid in and out lashing that makes my mouth feel like it is being brutally murdered. Not only is this the biggest turn off in the world, but makes us doubt you in every way. Just SAY NO.

#6 The Lip Tickle

I actually really enjoy facial hair. I have no idea why but scruff is good. Thus the lip tickle is quite the entertaining occurrence during a lip lock. It sends shivers down your spine and for some reason or another makes everything more exciting. Yet, I get that people are ticklish, and might not dig the mustached man, which in my book is a travesty.

#7 The Biter

You know a bite here and there, O.K., kind of hot. Yet, when I get up in the morning to investigate my lips to make sure they aren't bleeding profusely; we have some issues. When I think of kisses I think of soft lips, not tattered fragments, nibbled on by my loved one. Thus this kiss requires someone who can strike that perfect balance just as my friend Goldilocks would say you need a bite that is "just right."

#8 The Hot and Heavy

So this is a rare find. It is what most women believe every make out session should be because they have all read some book by Nicholas Sparks or watched some movie like the Notebook. Yet, hot and heavy kisses are unpredictable, and they only leave you wanting more. The whole experience is like a jungle gym in my mouth. While it is a boat load of fun, dude it is a lot of work. It does however make you feel alive and hot like fire.

#9 Slow and Steady- It wins the race.

Yet, this would probably come in as my personal favorite -the slow and steady. There is something to be said about a passionate kiss. It has cadence. The tongue moves in a way that leaves you lost in translation. The kiss is soft and tender, and yet still scintillating. It requires some help to steady so his hand is placed on the side of your face. It is real and absolutely memorable, but in a different way than the hot and heavy. It is breathtaking .

This brief synopsis of kissing categories was meant to be my gift to you for Valentine's Day. So while many guys will run out to buy the largest chocolate hearts and most expensive roses they can find, I encourage you to go back to the basics guys because kisses can go a long way.