Royally Ready....

In approximately 5 hrs I will be getting up in my pajamas with mimosa in hand to sit in front of my television and watch dreams come true. That is right, I said dreams come true. You see tomorrow is so much more than a Royal Wedding, it is a lesson for every young girl out there- that anything is possible. As children we grow up dreaming about being princesses, we dress up like them, and strut our stuff around the house like them. We believe that maybe, just maybe, this could be us too someday. Yet, Kate Middleton wasn't born to royalty, she was born a commoner, just like an other child growing up in the UK. I am sure as a child she too pretended that she was the Queen of England, yet never believing she had a shot at the real title. Thus if I had children (which is a terrifying thought) I would wake them up from their sleeping slumber, give them a bowl of cereal, and place them in front of the TV so they could watch history in the making. You know many of you will disagree with me and find this ridiculous, but I think it shows both girls and women alike that dreams do come true. Now don't get me wrong I am not the sort of woman who enforces nor endorses the prince galloping in on a white horse coming to rescue the princess from her life as a commoner because as a liberal woman you should know how I feel about women's equality in the 21st century.

Yet, I too know what it is like to wish and hope for something thinking maybe, just maybe that it will come true. You see tomorrow is my last day of medical school. If you could only know the very convoluted and tortuous road I took to get there you would understand how important I think it is for little girls to know that dreams do come true.

Ever since I was approximately 6 years old all I ever wanted to do was go to medical school. I was a driven, motivated, and I felt a force larger than me drawing me to the field. Yet, I cannot even begin to describe the devastation and pain I felt when I was rejected from medical school. I literally thought I was going to die. I cried so many tears that year I don't even know how I can still cry to this day. So I began working at a hospital as a nurses aide, wiping rear ends, giving baths, and taking vital signs. I was also taking grad school classes on my days off to keep up on my studies, and worked as a hostess at a local steak house in the evenings.

Yet, I will never forget the day that I received my acceptance letter in the mail. I literally began sobbing uncontrollably, my body was vehemently shaking, and I had to sit down just to breathe. This was the moment that I realized what it felt like for dreams to come true. It was life changing, not only because I had waited for this day my entire life, but because of the journey I had to take to get there.

Thus, Both Kate and I will share something very special tomorrow. While I will complete my medical school career and she will become a princess, we both in our hearts will relish in the fact that anything is possible, even your wildest dreams.

Drowning

February was a fiasco. It was like the time I went to Venice and it rained the entire time I was there. I actually thought that I might die due to drowning because of all the water. I am the sort of person who believes that things happen for a reason, and that we are only given as much as we can handle. Yet, last month was truly unbearable. I felt as if my life was a rollacoaster of emotional highs and lows, and worst of all it only left me with feelings of trepidation. It was as if someone had put me in the middle of the ocean and told me, the girl who can't swim, to find my way back to shore. I was tired of swimming, tired of trying to keeping afloat, and what I really needed was a buoy, a life jacket, or some strong handsome coastguard to come save me.

Yet, I think part of life is discovering how we respond to these types of situations. I have asked myself several times over the last month Why me? Why my family? Why now? I have come to grips with the fact that the struggles we endure through this life are the moments that define us. I have been gasping for air, struggling with the waves of life for the last couple of months and right when I thought I might sink down to the depths of despair, my friends jumped in and saved me.

I am the sort of person who never wants to be a burden to anyone. A person who entered a profession to help others, not to have someone help me. Yet, this past month I have learned the beauty and grace of friendship.

It was mid February and the worst day I had had all month. I was on a service at the hospital where the attendings hated me, I had just learned my father's cancer had progressed, and my mother informed me she needed to go back for further testing of a suspicious lesion in her breast. There is no other feeling to describe how I was feeling at this moment but numb. Scared, cold, and alone I just ended up calling one of my very best friends and crying in my car after work on the phone with her. I didn't really say anything comprehensible, I just cried. I just remember when I got home I heard a knock on the door. When I went to open it up there she was standing with her gorgeous smile and a beautiful orchid in her hands extending it to me. I remember I just hugged her and cried not only because of the nice gesture, but also because I knew I didn't have to be afraid of being alone. I learned that no matter how awful or terrible the month could be I had people around me who wanted to make it better. People who cared about me.

Perhaps this is why I like spring, because even though you feel like the earth is saturated with water and that the earth is drowning somehow the green grass sprouts up and the flowers bloom. I believe that we all have stormy seasons in life. Times when you literally need a boat to get out of the stormy weather, or a shelter to take cover. This past month my friends have truly been lifesavers they have carried me through some of the worst weather of my life and I am forever grateful.

The ebb and flow of life is unavoidable. It hits us when we least expect it. Yet, you just have to have faith that it will cease that the storm will stop. When it does you are left with the aftermath, a garden of blooming flowers.

Besos

Smooch. SWAK. Beso. Tongue. Peck. Neck. French. Make-out. Smack. 1st Base. Whatever you want to call it, everyone loves a great kiss. I will be the first to tell you I love kissing. To be quite frank, I have no problem admitting I am a kissing floozy. I came to this conclusion after reading a magazine article explaining that the average person has 28 first kisses in their lifetime. And of course intrigued, I began to count. Surprisingly I realized that I was quite the overachiever. Now many you might find this dirty, and I am so sorry, but I think it is somewhat beautiful. I would go as far as to say that most women can name the best kiss they have ever had or seen in a movie without hesitation. We like kissing because it can say so much about a person without saying a word. Not to mention kissing is like the best facial workout anyone could ever get. You burn 26 calories per minute to be exact (don't ask why I know that). Better yet, it releases endorphins, so it's kind of like working out twice in one day. While I am sure many are much more versed on the subject, I have found in my experiences that most people fall into 1-9 categories of kisses. It is my goal to elaborate on these nine categories, and to shed some entertaining commentary about these categories. (As a disclaimer all of these kisses are based on real life experiences at one point or another in my short life.)

#1 The Peck

Now this is was absolutely adorable when I was 12, but in my adult life when you are on a date with a guy and he gives you a peck it means one of two things. He is totally not into you or he is asexual. I mean maybe he is trying to follow some set of invisible rules, much like the 3 day rule for calling girls back after a date, but this is so 7th grade. It does however become more endearing when you have been dating someone for a while and you are in public ect. and he lays a big smooch on ya. Now that is tasteful and the proper use of the peck.

#2 The Forehead Kiss

So I will never forget the guy who decided it was a brilliant idea that our first kiss should be shared on my forehead. I was utterly so confused and frustrated that I had no words for him. I felt like my father had just kissed me goodnight before he tucked me into bed. Now I do feel that this too can be a very sweet gesture when you have known a person longer than 1 1/2 weeks. It should come with a disclaimer: Use Wisely.

#3 The Conservative

As a raging liberal, you can already guess this kiss did not go over well with me. I am sure some people love it, but I find it rigid, predictable, and unchanging... appropriately named. So the only way I can describe kissing a conservative, is imagine getting your tongue stuck in a pop can. You really want to move it but it is stuck in that one position. This my friends is the conservative, the same approach, no spontaneity, and a stiff tongue.

#4 The Slobber Master

So I love dogs, I really do. But there is something different about getting slobbery kisses from Fido and the guy you date. Sometimes I wonder "what the heck is he aiming for I mean literally my mouth is right here." Yet, somehow he has ingested my make-up and moisturizer with one swift kiss. Maybe it's because I have issues with messes, but saliva should stay in your mouth where it was meant to be.

#5 The Jack Rabbit

Quite possibly the kiss I detest more than anyone could ever imagine. I literally just sit there and wait for the traumatic injury to be over. I don't know who ever told guys that this was attractive, but I feel like I am being attacked by a reptile. It is the rapid in and out lashing that makes my mouth feel like it is being brutally murdered. Not only is this the biggest turn off in the world, but makes us doubt you in every way. Just SAY NO.

#6 The Lip Tickle

I actually really enjoy facial hair. I have no idea why but scruff is good. Thus the lip tickle is quite the entertaining occurrence during a lip lock. It sends shivers down your spine and for some reason or another makes everything more exciting. Yet, I get that people are ticklish, and might not dig the mustached man, which in my book is a travesty.

#7 The Biter

You know a bite here and there, O.K., kind of hot. Yet, when I get up in the morning to investigate my lips to make sure they aren't bleeding profusely; we have some issues. When I think of kisses I think of soft lips, not tattered fragments, nibbled on by my loved one. Thus this kiss requires someone who can strike that perfect balance just as my friend Goldilocks would say you need a bite that is "just right."

#8 The Hot and Heavy

So this is a rare find. It is what most women believe every make out session should be because they have all read some book by Nicholas Sparks or watched some movie like the Notebook. Yet, hot and heavy kisses are unpredictable, and they only leave you wanting more. The whole experience is like a jungle gym in my mouth. While it is a boat load of fun, dude it is a lot of work. It does however make you feel alive and hot like fire.

#9 Slow and Steady- It wins the race.

Yet, this would probably come in as my personal favorite -the slow and steady. There is something to be said about a passionate kiss. It has cadence. The tongue moves in a way that leaves you lost in translation. The kiss is soft and tender, and yet still scintillating. It requires some help to steady so his hand is placed on the side of your face. It is real and absolutely memorable, but in a different way than the hot and heavy. It is breathtaking .

This brief synopsis of kissing categories was meant to be my gift to you for Valentine's Day. So while many guys will run out to buy the largest chocolate hearts and most expensive roses they can find, I encourage you to go back to the basics guys because kisses can go a long way.

On Beauty

I can hear the words of my mother reverberating off the dressing room doors of the Macy's department store, "Why can't you just be happy with what you have been given." At first it just felt like someone had slapped me in the face, and all I could feel was the aftermath of the burning and stinging that her hand had left on the side of my cheek. You see my mother and I were shopping together for a dress for St. Vitus, also known as the medical school prom. My mom had just picked out a dress that was tight, black, and somewhat more revealing than I would have chosen for myself for me to try on for her. I remember coming out of the dressing room with trepidation as my mother gasped and said, "That's it. That's the one." It was just so interesting to me that as we both stood looking in the same mirror, we each saw something very different. In her eyes, I looked great, I had a nice shape, and if it were her she would wear the dress with pride. While I looked in the mirror and was horrified. I saw every imperfection, every flaw, and I just stood there baffled at how my mother could possibly feel that this was an acceptable dress.

Yet, I have asked myself for weeks the question that my mother did "Why can't I just work with what I have been given." The answer is I don't have a stinkin' clue. I guess I have grown up in a society that has defined the status quo of beauty for me. I grew up believing that the beautiful women will live happily ever after with their prince charmings. I believed that being beautiful in this society was related to your pant size. Yet, it is hard not to be convinced that there is not some validity to my views on beauty as the findings in a recent NEWSWEEK showed that women who were perceived to be more beautiful were more likely to be hired in the work force, make more money, and be more successful. Yet, the more I think about it the more frustrated I have become with myself and the society in which I live.

All women want to be desirable, if they tell you anything different they are flat out lying to you. It is our nature to want to be loved, and thus love and beauty are intimately connected. I had a guy friend of mine tell me once that he only dates "pretty girls." I of course appalled and mildly irritated by this statement asked "How's that was working out for you." But my question rests in what and who defines what is a "pretty girl." Is it only based on appearance or are there other characteristics that weigh in? Yet, I will tell you that I believe that as much as we would like to deny it society does dictate what we consider as attractive. For example, I have ridiculously curly hair. Yet I would move my hairstylist into my home in an instant, if she would make my hair straight every day because I think I look more attractive with straight hair. Yet, in all honesty, I believe that curly hair fits me and my personality far better.

Furthermore, I know in my heart of hearts that as hard as I try I will never look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Yet, there was a time in my life where I thought being skinny was the end all to beauty. I thought my life would be so different- better actually if I was thin. Somehow I had come to believe that men would like me more, that I would be perceived as more desirable if I was a size 0. Yet, what I learned along the way is that this attempt to control this part of my life only led to disaster and destruction. I remember one day I was in Boston for the summer doing research, I remember being in the gym and going to the scale moving the notches that determine your weigh and realizing I weighed 102 lbs. I remember the only thing that went through my head in that moment was I wonder what it would feel like to weight 100 lbs. The truth is I didn't look beautiful, I didn't look attractive, I looked ill. I didn't have rolling curves, I had bony fingers and an emaciated face.

Yet, somewhere along the way I had a metamorphosis. I realized that beauty was so much more that my exterior. It was more about what resides within you. The truth is that over the years beauty will fade. It will be replaced with gray hair, wrinkles, and sagging skin and what you will be left with is a distant memory of the person you used to be. While I still have longings to be that woman that is idolized in our society, I realize that I am just going to have to settle on being me. You see I believe that beauty radiates from people. It is in the smiles, the laughter, and the unadulterated acts of kindness and this is what truly speaks beauty to me. Thus, I encourage you this week to embrace your inner beauty as much as your outer beauty. To realize that there is no criteria that you have to meet, that you possess a beauty that far exceeds the status quo. And I hope that you will find as I have that trading in my skinny jeans for hips and happiness was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Snow Running

I woke up this morning and it was snowing and now I am heading towards bed with a light dusting still spitting from the sky. While snow is often viewed as the enemy, with all the hazards it causes, I can't help but find the innate beauty of it.

As I geared up to go running this evening I had on my black leotards, my thick gloves, and my rainbow bright hat to keep me warm. I had my ipod blaring to Brittney Spears and Bruno Mars as I trudged through the banks of snow. Despite the extra energy it requires to run in the snow, and the fact that every mile you run seems like two, it doesn't matter because I am mesmerized by the gorgeous glistening reflecting back at me. The snow reminds me that there is something out there that can lift the darkness of winter that at times feels like it is engulfing me. I feel the small flakes penetrating my face, sticking to my eyelashes, and I feel alive. I hear the crunching and squishing of snow under my feet, it is the only reminder that my feet are still moving.

Perhaps it is the running itself, but in that hour where I am running I feel like all my worries and heartaches have lifted. I don't know what it is, whether it is the run or the snow, but I just lose myself. I sometimes wish I could run all day; escape the unknowns, the hurt feelings, and my ever churning mind. Yet, I know I can't.

Snow is clean, white, and pure. It gives me hope and a weird way embraces me and warms me.. As I run past the kids in the yard making snow men and snow angels. I laugh out loud as memories flood over me like the ocean at high tide. Through the overcast evening a ray of sunshine hits the snow and produces a sparkling sea of snow that resembles a diamond in the light. Yet, I look back and smile as I realize I am the only person who is weathering the storm tonight because my footprints are the only ones in the snow. Sweating, silent, and smiling I trudge to my staircase and just stand. Listening to the air, the traffic of the nearby street, and glancing back at my lone foot prints in the snow knowing that I am alive and that we are here to do nothing else but leave footprints wherever we go.

Refresh

I have said it before but I am a creature of habit. I have a morning routine where I get up each morning and immediately go to my kitchen to start my coffee pot. Quite honestly, no one should probably talk to me until I have had my coffee. I listen to the percolating coffee, where the hiss and tinkle of the coffee maker is like music to my ears. I then pull out my favorite mug that is brown with white polka dots and pour myself a plentiful cup of coffee. I then sit on my lovely cream colored couch in front of my computer and press the refresh button. Sometimes I push it multiple times because I have no patience, but with just a small click everything is renewed and my day is updated- NY times style. Quite honestly sometimes I wish I had a refresh button for real life. I feel like it is so easy to get in a rut these days where we get in these habits of just going through the motions. Where my days begin to resemble one another and all you really want is a small reminder of the beauty and richness of life. All I need is a breath of fresh air.

Refresh. I can think of a ton of things that make me feel refreshed like eating citrus fruit, breathing in frigid cold air, siestas, and baking cookies are great examples. Yet, I think we are much more influenced by our surroundings- the people, places, and things of everyday life. Thus, my purpose is to let you know that even thought our lives can feel and seem so mundane, I believe that there is spice to life scattered all around us. We just have to be open enough to experiences and people around us to find it.

I really have no idea what my deal has been lately, I just really haven't been myself. This being said I will have to say that I was pleasantly surprised when someone was interested in spending the evening with me. The truth was that I didn't know him very well, to be honest he was somewhat of a mystery to me. Thus I was delighted when he suggested we should go to First Friday, which is where all the art galleries downtown open up for public viewing (I highly encourage everyone to check this out). My next favorite part about the evening is that he had nothing else planned after the art show. I know this would make some of you extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to expect or what was coming next, but I loved it. Being somewhat of a free spirit, It was so refreshing not to have a mandated schedule dictating my life. We agreed to having drinks at one of my favorite restaurants in town.

Perhaps it was the libations, or the dark rustic atmosphere, but this is where I started to feel rejuvenated. It is so refreshing to talk to someone who embodies the characteristics of life that you believe so deeply. Perhaps I had been focusing on my future to much, that I forgot about how much I love the present. It was in the next hour that I watched this man sitting in front of me transform me and remind me of what I love in life. I love beauty, spontaneity, honesty, and depth. I have been on dates where people tell me about their luxury apts, their awesome new car, and which business they want to own next. If I would have had one of those cartoon bubbles that people get to have when they are in comic strips on these dates mine would have said " I want to slit my wrists." Yet, the conversation with my mystery man was rich in depth, and perhaps my favorite moment of the night was when he told me how he discovered he was color blind. Afterwards, I then asked him curiously, "What color are my eyes?" he responded, "um. .. green?"

If you don't know me, I have bright blue eyes. I felt like in that moment he had turned on a light bulb for me. He had reminded me that most of life is how we perceive things. We both can find the same things innately beautiful, even though he sees it slightly differently than me. This was so beautiful to me. Most of my life I have heard that my eyes are my greatest asset because I have brown hair and blue eyes, which is somewhat rare. Yet, he sees me entirely differently than the rest. His interest in me doesn't even include my eyes. The one thing that I believe is pretty about myself, he doesn't even see.

Unknowingly he had just pressed my personal refresh button. I felt as if I was seeing the world differently in the vibrant colors that I had been missing due to all the weight of my daily stresses and worry. Thus I encourage you this week to surround yourself with people who make you see things in a different light, go to places that energize you, and embrace spontaneity because life is too short to just go through the motions.

The Eve of a New Year

Under normal circumstances I can think of 100 things I love to celebrate, but New Year's Eve is usually not one of them. Yet, for some reason this year I am excited to say good-bye to 2010 and welcome with open arms the possibilities 2011.

Perhaps its the anxious energy about the New Year or maybe just the wide array of opportunity, but I will truly be embracing this holiday. You know the more I come to think about it the more I should love this holiday. It is antiquated and based in tradition. It marks the beginning of something new. I mean who would have thought that a sparkly ball falling from the sky would be so exhilarating. In all honesty I need a good year, so I am going to be as welcoming and kind to 2011 as I possibly can.

New Year's Eve has always been a holiday that I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. I remember my parents going to these Holiday Gala's to celebrate the New Year. I would watch my mom put on her make -up and slide into the most beautiful dress she owned. She looked so radiant. Ever since that time I guess I have always wanted the same thing for myself - a night to be radiant, a night to remember. In my dreams I imagine dressing up in one of my finer dresses prepared to usher in a New Year. I would have a large stock pile of champagne to share with friends and guests. There would be dancing and music. The sounds of laughter, the clinking of champagne flutes, and those annoying noise blowers would be reverberating throughout the room. I would want to watch Dick Clark as we counted down to the beginning of a New Year- the beginning of something wonderful, something special. When that ball drops I would hope that as Auld Langs Syne began to play that there would be someone there, handsome of course, who was ushering me into the New Year with a kiss. Perhaps it is childish to want these things, or maybe even unfathomable. Yet, this is what the New Year is about- making your wildest dreams realities.

I recognize this as a year of change for myself, yet instead of dwelling in this fact I am going to make the resolution of living in the moment. I believe that time is too precious. I have watched my life change within a matter of moments this past year. I don't want to be one of those people who plans there life, every milestone, down to the minute. I believe much of the beauty of life is in its spontaneity, the unexpected turn or the breath of fresh air you never saw coming. It is all about possibilities, and what I have learned over the years is that I can't wait for opportunity to knock on my door, I just have to go introduce myself to it. Thus my hope for you this year is that you are fruitful, I hope that love finds you and changes you, I hope that you find joy, and most of all I hope you make memories this year that last a lifetime. Happy New Year! XOXO