Refusing to Settle

I think sometimes in life we all need a little reminder. I received mine on New Year's Eve this year. I think that we all have expectations of what we think is going to happen when you move somewhere new. Perhaps I thought Portland would be a sea of endless liberal, handsome, artistic men and I would finally find someone special. Unfortunately, my love life has been quite the opposite.  My love life this past year resembles more of a comedy routine than a love story.  If I could tell you the stories of my life, you wouldn't believe it. The stories are hilarious, jaw dropping, and I would have you laughing until you were crying.

Thus, in my mind New Years was supposed to be this magical night for me, a new start. I tend to have a good time wherever I go, but perhaps my friend could sense my disappointment for the evening. We were laughing and chatting when she opened a beer for herself. The cap of her beer of choice always has a little message on the underside of the cap, kind of like a Dove chocolate. She read the bottle cap and looked at me and said, " This is for you." She placed it in my hand.  As I uncurled my fingers that surrounded the bottle cap, I just kept reading the words on the cap over and over in my head, "to refusing to settle."

While she will never know the extent of what she did for me that night, I realized how right she was.  Not only did it pertain to my love life, but everyday life.  I feel we all are prone to settling.  The truth is that with the real things that matter in life, you deserve the best and settling should never be an option. I think we all know those people who are perpetually in relationships because they cannot fathom being alone. They constantly jump boyfriend to boyfriend to settle for the next best thing. I have gone to their weddings, bought the gifts, smiled and wondered to myself are they happy? Will their love last? I feel that in our society there is this palpable pressure to follow the crowd, to do what everyone else is doing, because no one wants to be left out.

Maybe I too was prone to settling this year,  just wanting someone to want me, to think I was special, despite how un-Mr. Wonderful they were. Yet what I have learned this year is that life is too short to settle, whether it is love, your job,  or your goals of life. There is no reason I should of hobbled home after a marathon because he forgot to pick me up, or entertain my date's ex- girlfriend who happened to show up at dinner, but for some reason in my mind I had decided this was ok. The truth is both you and I deserve more.

We deserve the best this world has to offer, and it starts with us. It begins with you and me believing we deserve great things. It begins with you and me refusing to settle for mediocrity. It begins with you and  me pushing ourselves one more mile, because we can. It begins with us.  My hope for you this year is that you settle for more. Prove to yourself that you are worth it.  Know in your heart that you have something to give to this world. Because what you will discover is how wonderful you truly are.

New Year, New You

Resolution. To me it sounds like a cure. Some concotion a doctor would prescribe for any ailement you might have, and within weeks you would be better. Yet, the truth of the matter is many of the resolutions people make on New Year's are far from a quick fix. The problems people have stem from a multitude of years of bad habits and bad choices. You can't get skinny in 1 month, you can make a lifetime of debt disappear in days. Thus I have a hard time accepting the hard and fast rule of resolutions, but I do take inventory on my own life and see what is working and what could be improved. 

The best thing about the New Year is that it is like the first day of grade school- a fresh start. No matter what plagued you the year before whether it was subtraction or social studies, the first day is a chance to regain lost ground. Thus all I can do is look to the  new year ahead with hope and anticipation.

Perhaps it is my giddy joy for things to come, or just the fact that I have been through the trenches of life this past year and I am ready for higher ground. I have learned more about myself in the last year than I ever wanted to know. I am a stronger being than I ever thought I could be. I mean what more could you want from a year right? Yet, the truth is I will always want to lose another 20lbs or save a little more money, but what I really want from this year ahead - is to be amazed. 

Amazed at the beauty, the spontaneity, and the love this world has to offer. I want to eat more cheese, drink more champagne-and laugh often, loud, and much. I want to believe that I have purpose. I want to listen better, and I want to marvel at the beauty around me. I want to be a better doctor, daughter, and friend. I want to love.

When I was little I used to write my resolutions down, and place them on my closet wall. They would stare at me right in the face everyday all year long. What I came to find is that more times than not I completed the tasks I had set out for the new year. I was methodical and everything was planned perfectly, so that I could complete my list. Yet, as I have gotten older I have mellowed a bit, I am not as uptight, or stressed out. My goals are not as particular, but a little more lofty, a little more crunchy granola I would say. With this unleashing of check marks to be completed or jobs to be done, I feel more spontaneous and free as if nothing  in this world could weigh me down.

Thus, I hope you will not get caught up in the moment of the night, making all these new resolutions, because in honesty it can become more exhausting than good. My hope for you is that you bring in the new year in style, class, and above all champagne. I hope that when that ball drops tonight you feel nothing but hope for the things to come. I hope there are those obnoxious blow horns, and party hats. I hope there is a kiss. I hope you feel like your slate has been cleaned, and this year is yours for the taking. More than anything,I hope your year sparkles and shines like nobodies business.

 

Twenty-eight and counting...

It is a fact. Tomorrow I turn twenty-eight years old, and I am absolutely 100% OK with it. You see there are some years in life where you actually don't feel any older than you did the year before, but this year is not that year for me. I am so ready to leave my 27th year in the dust and move on to bigger and brighter years to come.

The truth is, as hard is it is to say, I have aged this year. Not only have the little lines began to creep up around my eyes when I smile, but more importantly I have grown emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I actually am bothered when people ask me if I could go back in time what age would I choose, I always say "I choose now." You see when I look at the person I was 7 years ago I can barely recognize her. She is a faint memory of the person I am now, today.

I believe as I age I have become more confident in the person I am, and I have more realistic goals of the person I want to become; and I love the person I am constantly evolving to be. I'm not scared of what the future may hold, but truly believe that there is a reason for everything. I believe more than anything this year, I have realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

Furthermore, each year I dedicate my birthday wish to a mantra for the next year to carry through the year with me. Last year it was happiness, while I can think of a lot of other words to describe last year, I will have to say that through it all I still feel that happiness did prevail. Thus for the year approaching I have done a lot of thinking, and I have decided that this year is going to be about love- giving, receiving, and making it apart of my everyday life.

Over the last months I have been so impressed by love others have shown me and my family. I have goosebumps, just thinking about how much this means to me. I guess my goal for the year is to let people know how much they mean to me, how important they really are. I want them to have no questions about the way I feel about them. Life is just too short to be indecisive.

It is crazy to me that I know exactly what I was doing one year ago today. I was sitting in the Indianapolis Airport at my favorite local restaurant, Cafe Patachou, with my parents. I was getting ready to go on a whirl wind traveling expedition for residency interviews. I remember exactly what I was wearing, I remember what I ate, I remember my nervous energy, and I remember thinking I'm not sure if things will ever be the same. In retrospect you have these moments that you come back to think about, these glimpses that foreshadow the future. I remember specifically when my dad gave me my birthday card, we looked at each other in the eye. Without saying a word my eyes began to water, and I had to look back at my omelet and toast to prevent tears from streaming down my face. I think we both knew that this would be our last birthday together.

While tomorrow will be a bit bittersweet, you can have no doubt that I will welcome 28 with open arms. There might not be cake or candles tomorrow, but you can bet there will be champagne, friends, laughter, and love. I am determined to make 28 the best year yet.

Have a Fabulous Weekend! XOXO

jen*

Christmas Cheer

I am that girl who listens to Christmas music in September, has her tree up no later than black friday, and believes full heartedly that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Last night I went running around 9 pm in Downtown Portland. It was the first day of the year where you walked outside and the crispness of the air made you shiver from head to toe. While Portland city proper does not specialize in snow, it does have a dense fog that engulfs the city giving it an eerie, yet magical feeling. It was truly the first winter day I have had here. As I ran around town all of my favorite Christmas memories and moments started to come to me. Perhaps it was the nostalgia of the evening, or all the holiday cheer I found in home windows, or the lights that I passed, but I couldn't help but share these stories that had me both laughing and crying on my run.

When I was in kindergarten I remember it was about this time of the year, when I was given the greatest honor of all time- I was chosen to be student of the week which basically means you bring something in for show-and-tell to share with the class. I had decided that I would bring in my most beloved book of the holiday season " The Sweet Smells of Christmas." I didn't just love this book because it revolved around that jolly man in red and white, I really loved it because it was a scratch and sniff book which back in 1989 was stinkin' amazing. Thus, I was so proud the day I was student of the week. I remember I told the story from memory and then passed around the book so everyone could enjoy. I will never forget how my body first began to trembled and then big tears began streaming down my face as I realized that everyone in my class loved my book too, because ever page had holes in it from where children had zealously over scratched and sniffed my book. Needless to say show-n-tell was never quite as exciting for me.

I feel that if you know me at all, you would know I have huge faith in people, and thus I had huge faith in Santa Claus. My mother and I had this holiday tradition growing up where we would decorate our house and make cookies for Santa all weekend long. There are multiple home videos of me prancing around our house singing songs about Santa and how I deserved the biggest barbie dream house of them all. The truth is I will never forget that frightful day on the bus as I explained to one of my neighbor boys how excited I was for Santa to come. I will never forget as he looked at me with malice in his eyes and said, " Jennifer, Santa doesn't exist, It is your mom." I being the very dramatic child that I was said with my hands upon my hips, "Jason Campbell, Santa can hear you and you are getting nothing for Christmas." I remember getting off the school bus, slinging my book bag down, and asking my mom point blank " Is santa real?" I could see the concern in her face and she said something I cannot remember, but all I did take from this conversation was that Jason Campbell had stolen Christmas and how my 8 year old life would never be the same.

Yet, Christmas has really evolved over the years for me. As a family, we don't really do gifts anymore, but it is much more about good company and of course good food. My mom makes the most amazing cinnamon rolls known to mankind. Each Christmas she would make several batches for us to take to our friends. Thus, my dad and I would fill the back of the car with the Christmas rolls and deliver them one by one to each home on Christmas Eve. It was so special getting a glimpse of each family's Christmas Eve tradition. It was one the moments I waited for all year. When we returned my family would generally go to the Christmas Eve service where we would sing songs and carols. I would wait eagerly for one of my favorite Christmas songs "Silent night" as I stood between my parents holding my candle. I would just close my eyes and listen to heavenly peace. My father would belt out the words in the deepest voice you have ever heard, it was as if the earth was shattering. It is one of the most beautiful memories of Christmas that I have and I will never forget as long as I live.

This is what I love about the holidays, it is so grounded in tradition, and yet there is still so much hope for new opportunities. While my holidays will never be the same, it is about carrying on the traditions that mean so much to me. While I won't be home for Christmas this year, I am eager to share my love and family traditions with my new family here in Portland. I laughed aloud today when one of my friends said, " Your are the daughter of Christmas, and you have never been to the Nutcracker?" So perhaps the best things about the holiday are bringing in the traditions of old with the possibilities of the new. Trust me, the opportunities are endless. May the season bring you nothing but holiday cheer, and memories to last all year long.

Le happy

This is a French eatery which is approximately 2 blocks from my house. I run past it every day on my daily jog, and for some reason a smile always spreads across my face as I pass by the store front. Perhaps it is the canary yellow facade or the fire engine red door, but something about this place speaks to me. I had the opportunity of eating there about a month ago with a dear friend of mine after running my marathon. Let me just say it's name lives up to its expectations. An eclectic place at best, the dim red lighting accentuates the need to eat a Nutella infested crepe without guilt. Literally, after several glasses of champagne and one crepe later we were definitely were in our "le happy" place. Yet it hit me unexpectedly, perhaps it was just the sheer moment of joy, but I realized in that short moment that my "le happy" place had been on a long sabbatical and I wondered why i needed a crepe to find it.

We all are searching for it. We all want it. This nebulous emotion we are left with wondering how to obtain and maintain- the le happy. The problem is that I have searched for happiness in the most superficial of places. I think we all at one time or another have thought happiness resided in a pant size, in possessions, beauty, in the love of a certain someone, but yet what you find is that these things are not enough you are constantly searching for more. While I would be lying if I said I don't find joy in retail therapy, I do believe that the joy I speak of transcends the fleeting happiness of the perfect sweater. Over the past months I have struggled and dealt with my own personal battles of what constitutes happiness.

I will say the death of my father has had a long and lasting impact on the way that I view life and ultimately death. I have learned that my family and friends are a large source of my happiness. It is the relationships that bind us, give us purpose, and help us to feel connected. I will say that the loss of my father has left me feeling a bit like I am drowning in a sea with no life jacket. I didn't realize how much I relied and needed him as a source of strength and happiness until he was gone. Yet, I cherish the memories and the happy times we shared and know that he would want me to be as happy as I possibly could be. And thus here I am.

Despite friends and family, le happy is intricately intertwined with love, the most basic of human needs. You all know what I am saying. We all have experienced the way your stomach feels when that special someone grazes your hands. It is this feeling again of being connected, respected, and needed. I would go so far to say that the vulnerability that love requires of us may actually be an essential key to le happy. Non restrained, uninhibited, you are your truest form of self. I think for a long time I struggled with the fact that actually I do deserve the love of someone, and someone stinkin' wonderful at best. I am here to tell you, you deserve it too.

Another factor that has really helped me is forgiveness. I would be the first to tell you how difficult this task is. I have always been a little soft in nature, thus my feelings are easily trampled. The truth is more often than not people have no idea they have caused your soul to be smattered to a million little pieces. Yet, I find holding grudges to be ever so tiring. I have found so much more peace in forgiveness and think you will too.

When you ask people what they want out of life most will answer happiness. Yet, in my experience some of the most destitute and impoverished people I have come across, have been the happiest. They value the things in life that have no price tags, they value each other and the things they do have. I have done some deep evaluation of my life and have found that most of my searching and pursuit of happiness has been in folly, because my true happiness resides around me in the people, the relationships, and love that surrounds me. I just was too consumed with everything else to recognize it. Reclaim your le happy this week, it's often found in the places you least expect.

Learning and re-learning how to dance...

I remember the first time I learned to dance. I was about 5 years old and it was a wedding of a close family friend. I just remember how beautiful and pristine the reception hall looked. With ornately decorated tables, and large bouquets of flowers I truly felt like I had walked into the scene of a Cinderella story. Needless to say, it was definitely not a place for me, and my Play-Do encrusted fingers. Yet, I will never forget my dad grabbing my hand and and leaning down to me and saying "Let's dance." He took me out to the dance floor, which seemed so big, and placed me firmly on his feet and swept me around the dance floor as if we were the only people in the room. He showed me how to twirl like a princess, along with which came my massive amounts of giggles.

Yet, it is funny how some things don't change. Fast forward about 20 years and here we are doing the thing that just came natural for us- dancing. Thus you can imagine I love everything about this photo- the lighting, our expressions, and the fact that in this small still frame of time it looks as if we are the only people on the dance floor, perhaps the only people in the room.

Thus this is where my dilemma begins. The last couple months of my life have been nothing but tumultuous, new, and cloaked with grief. Yet, the thing that I struggle with the most is the fact that I feel like I am constantly re-learning how to do the things I once new how to do with ease. You see losing someone that knows you better than you sometimes know yourself leaves you broken and vulnerable. Thus over the last 2 months I have been picking up the pieces of my life and trying to create something that resembles what it once was.

Yet, what I have discovered is that sometimes all the pieces don't fit the way they did before, and your are forced to create more of a mosaic of the person you once were than a replica. You see I don't think I will ever be the same. I will never be able to call my dad at work just for a chat, or call him frantically on the interstate as I question my exit, nor will he grab my hand for just one more dance at a wedding.

Yet, what I have learned through my solitude and pain is that life is worth the dance. That despite everything, I know in my heart that my dad would want me to dance, to love, to feel, and to inspire. While I have never felt so alone, I also have never felt such love. I sometimes wish I could rewind the last 6 months of my life, that I could change the course of events. There are images in my mind that will haunt me for life, and moments that I will treasure forever. The truth is I miss my dad more than you will ever know, but when you are given the chance- you must dance.